The reason why I haven’t posted in the last few months is the same as always – that soul-sucking dark fog of depression. There has been many reasons why I’ve been choking on this darkness: not taking my medication, issues with the parents and property, money, being unemployed – the list goes on. All are connected and are perpetuating a giant cycle that always feed on each other. To break the cycle, I have to break all of the issues otherwise they’d just all pull me back.
But at the start of January, I started seeing a counsellor (who I am going to dub my wise advisor – you know the ones, the wise wizard that joins the party in a RPG) to work on this never-ending cycle. As I said, it all seems to be connected. At the time of writing this, I had recently just completed my third session.
Let me tell you something. I’ve cried 90% of every session so far, felt like a zombie afterwards where my usually chaotic mind has been thankfully silent and the first two sessions took me days to recover. But I needed it. Like drawing a toxin out of my blood – it had to be let out before I could begin to heal. There’s always been a feeling inside of me, knowing that I needed help. It was something like a scream that I just couldn’t voice. To make matters harder, I’ve had bad experiences with previous counsellors/psychologists. The very first psychologist I saw told my parents I was doing this all for attention when my symptoms came to a head around the age of 16. Nevertheless, this scream inside could be silent no longer. I needed to seek out professional help. And I’m glad that I did.
During my journey with my life coach and now my counsellor, I’ve come to many realisations about myself, my family and my childhood. Most of them, I admit, came as a shock. I’d always thought my family was normal, albeit a bit on the crazy side (if you have seen the show Everybody Loves Raymond, it’s kind of like that, Raymond being my father and my grandmother being Raymond’s mother). But after looking at it from an outsider’s point of view and thinking about it logically, it made perfect sense why I have the some of the issues I have. Sometimes you need external eyes to see what you are blind to. That is one of the reasons why I go.
Another is that someone is on your side. Having someone in your corner, telling you that they’ll help you no matter what – it’s reassuring to say the least. They have no other agenda than to help you. I have been groomed not to ask for help, always being reassured by family that I am too intelligent for them to come to my aid. Boy did that backfire. I don’t mind that I pay them. The life coach and counsellor I work with, even though I pay them, I genuinely feel they want to help, that they care.
Speaking of money… With my budget constraints, I can’t see my life coach as well as my counsellor. I am coping with that for the moment. Eventually I do want to go back to seeing my life coach, but for now, I’ll have to work extra hard on keeping myself focused and forging forward.
So with this last session, I didn’t feel like such a zombie afterwards, which was great. I actually felt good, re-energised, able to focus without the bad memories or thoughts screening in my head like a video on repeat. And now here I am writing all these posts for the website, after I’ve been procrastinating about them for so long, the weight of having to do these getting heavier as each day passed. There are a lot planned. Whether I write them all or combine some of them, who knows. In saying that, forgive me if I suddenly bombard you all too much. Right now I feel great; I feel like I can forge ahead. Now all I have to do is get my mind to behave, to focus and to finish (the very greatest hurdle for me).