I haven’t achieved any of the goals I have set myself. Saying that is a harsh reality, but reality it is. These are the ones I haven’t completed to date:
|Hunters dialogue complete||August 12, 2014|
|Kickstarter campaign started||August 18, 2014|
|Hunters game design doc complete||August 31, 2014|
Why haven’t I achieved these?
The biggest problem I have was severely underestimating the time needed to complete these. The second reason would be my estimations of time were made under the assumption that I would not be interrupted, that I would be able to work on what I needed to complete those goals. In my current situation, it is simply an impossible expectation. Someone or something always seems to throw a spanner in the works and demand my time. To this, I need to learn to say no more, and be firm about it. I’ve started treating this like work, but the others around me don’t seem to. What I am doing is unconventional, yes, but it is what I want to do. My parents are, despite their own thoughts, quite traditional when it comes to how work happens. For example: you get up, go to work, come home, go to sleep. That isn’t the steadfast rule anymore and fighting that preconception with them is draining my energies and resolve.
The third reason would be battling my debilitating depression, which can take me weeks to recover from a deep depressive spiral.
I need to emphasise to everyone that my time is my most precious asset and that I will no longer take people leeching my time from me and my endeavours. For example: yesterday, 50% of my working hours was taken up by fixing a database bug in the system used to label fruit for the packhouse (this is on a farm), for my father. The bug was simple enough to fix once I found the problem, but then he added another three hours of work by wanting something else done. His concept of time is severely skewed and he is the biggest leech of my time. Now, I don’t want to turn this post into a rant about my family (although honestly I think I need it – just to get it out there and vented), so let’s move on.
Since creating those goals, what I’ve been doing and what I thought I would be doing has come to be two vastly different realities. I didn’t know what the team would actually need to get working on the game. When they did start requesting information or specific assets, it wasn’t what I thought they would need. That left me with a lot more work to do, going in a different direction I thought we’d be heading in.
What the goals did do, however, is set me on the right course. I feel absolutely guilty about not achieving them because I still have this stupid belief in the back of my mind that I could have accomplished them if I focused more or did more work. That’s not the truth. Trying to convince myself of that is extremely difficult.
Then there’s this tug-of-war in my head about whether or not setting goals really works for me. On one hand, setting a date with the task does kick me along. On the other hand, the guilt and pressure associated with it can make me implode and send me down into a depressive spell if I feel overwhelmed or life gets in the way. It’s a very delicate balancing act between the two and I’m constantly toeing the line. (Although recently, I’ve fallen to the way side, see my post about battling the black hole.)
Maybe goals is a too definitive word for me. Maybe it should be aims instead. Okay, let’s go with it.
My aims for October are going to be:
- Finish design document (excluding the game dialogue)
- Create a project plan for Hunters game development
- Create a business plan for Hunters
- Provide the team with whatever resources they need and keep in contact with them
- Continue writing the game dialogue and the game narrative in conjunction with each other
Even as I look at this, the feeling of being overwhelmed by how much work this is haunts me. I most likely get too detailed orientated when it comes to this, but I really don’t know how to stop myself in that respect. It eats at me until I get it just ‘so’.
Going for those five aims, let’s see how the next month goes. Cross fingers!