The “black hole” is the best way to describe how my depression feels. I get this feeling in the middle of my chest that feels like a hole everything gets sucked into – hope, energy, joy, fun, happiness, willpower. It feels as though it is a literal black hole – you now, the ones that exist in our universe. And it’s just as hard to fight against, especially when you’re feeling so lethargic that you can barely get out of bed.
I’ve been fighting another episode of this sporadic black hole appearing for the last month or so. This is the reason why there hasn’t been any activity on the site. My life, for about three weeks, consisted of me getting out of bed, moving to sit on my computer chair and play games or sit and blankly watch TV from the same chair. I ate one proper meal a day (maybe two if I felt up to it), was awake all night and slept for about 12 hours during the day. My only saving grace and the reason why I didn’t fall completely into despair and bad thoughts (although they decided to present themselves a few times) was that the room I was living in, I shared with my partner. I was only awake when he was there, even if he was sleeping. In my younger days, this would have continued on for months at a time.
But I’ve since learned how to return from beyond the event horizon. Explanation for use of these astronomical terms: I’ve been watching too much of ‘The Universe’ lately. It’s still quite relevant though, and it makes me feel empowered that I can return from something that nothing, according to the whole of our collective knowledge, cannot.
Firstly, I understand my triggers. At least from a logical perspective. I know what sends me into a depressive spiral. Family issues and pressure from certain sources such as my own expectations or others – those are the biggest two. My current situation is terrible and I know it is the biggest contributor to my stress. But I’ve made progress in that respect. My partner and I are working towards saving enough to buy our own place (him more than me as he actually has a job that earns money while I’m technically unemployed).
Secondly, I understand what makes me feel better. Certain songs or parts of anime that give me this massive rush of empowerment help, but the biggest kick-start back on track is progress. Being overwhelmed by workload is a big stressor and then I avoid it, which in turn builds, and ends up as a vicious cycle. As soon as I start on one piece and finish it, I feel relieved. And I end up getting back on track. I always seem to be catching up but I think that’s a matter of perception. Sometimes I truly wonder if I expect too much of myself and what I am actually capable of doing. Mustering the energy to actually do something takes time to gather. It can take me weeks to feel good enough to attempt.
This website is both a stressor and a reliever for me. The pressure of making posts gets on top of me. I probably put too much pressure on myself to post. But I want to do it. Argh, it gets so complicated.
So this is what I’m working on internally at the moment. I’m about halfway out of the event horizon currently. That surge of energy and frenzy of excitement when I see my game coming into reality is a wave I’m riding. Keep you all posted!